Tuesday, August 24, 2010

the really really really hard stuff

Today has been hard. I've been extremely busy recently and now feeling overwhelmed because of it.  This is a grand setting for my emotions to wreck havoc with my heart. There was a small emotional tornado running rampant, needing to be released.
The jest of it being, where does the mom of the bride fit in? How do you know when to ask questions, when to help make decisions, and when to just keep the mouth shut? (Preferably you know before the mouth gets away.)
And then I was struggling with the fact I just want to be able to give my daughter a hug. To literally embrace this child/woman/bride and tell her how happy I am for her. To oohh and aahh over her ring, to watch her brown eyes dance when she tells me the engagement story..again and again even. To get the little details about the event. I don't even know if anyone in the restaurant saw the proposal. Did they respond?
I'm envious of those who live in the same town as she. Heck the same state even. And envious of those who get to celebrate her joy with her in the flesh.  Who get to give that hug, see that ring, and I have to wait. I don't want to wait. I don't want to be the last person to do this. I AM THE MOMMA!!!!


Whoa here momma.,. that's lots of I's and me's.
It's not about me.
It's about her.
(deeeep breath.)

Yes.....but still.. ..

What you don't know about my day today adds to some of the tornado, and some of the self-examining.
Today my hubby and I took his mom to a funeral. His cousin's daughter died at the age of 19 of cancer. She fought the battle for nearly half of her life. I didn't know the cousin or daughter...but still...

And then this evening we had grief group. Hubby and I facilitate 2 groups for parents who's children have died. Tonight's was with those whose teenage daughters were killed in various accidents.

You get the picture don't you?  How can I feel sorry for myself ? I have friends who would give anything,..... literally anything,  to have their daughter here once again. To know they have the hope of giving that hug, even if several weeks away...even being the last person to get do so.

Oh Sweet Jesus, humanness is so very hard.
I am so very needy.
I need You.

and to my daughter/bride. Tears are good, they help us heal. Remember, I love you...I miss you...and I am sooo looking forward to October.

1 comment:

  1. tears do help us heal. **grin** & we are still able to smile through them too.

    i was praying for you that day, when i got your email....it all just stinks. for all of them.

    humanness is so trying at times, thanks for teaching us it's okay to be so anyway...& to love others in their humanness

    to answer some questions....our waitress noticed, no one else did. i prefer it that way.

    i NEED THAT HUG as much as you do (if not more)!

    much, much love