Friday, May 6, 2011

my nitty-gritty

Lest you think I am sailing along perfectly and
all things running smoothly
and  any other baloney you might be thinking.
Here's my reality.
We've had no rain, moisture of any kind. 
Plants need moisture to grow, to leaf out, to not look dead.
In my attempt to get some of them in the growing stages of life, I've been watering. That is not the problem. Tuesday evening I started the water in the front yard, on a small flower bed. 
" I'll turn this off before going to bed." 
My hubby leaves early each morning.
When he got home he asks,
" did you turn the water on the roses last night?" 
And THEN I remember I didn't turn it off. So not only did the roses and peony get watered, so did the driveway, and one whole block of guttering. 
Too bad they don't grow.
Yesterday morning at 7:30, before going to make all those lovely flower arrangements some Moms in my county will be getting, I turned on the backyard water, with the intention of turning it off before I left. Or,.... I would call hubby and ask him to turn it off. 
After work we had a seminar to attend. (more about that later)
 Fast foward through my day.
It's 10:30 at night, we are driving home and I asked him..
" did you turn off the backyard water when you mowed?"
He paused...
"no I don't think I did."
So not only did I forget to turn it off, 
forgot to call and ask him to turn it off, 
even he didn't do it.
sigh.. nice of us to make $$$ for the city with our water bill. 

Remember Wednesday news re: my mom. News like that does not come with out some response of some sort at some point. Mom got home and had nausea and vomiting...and she hadn't gotten any meds. Dad was befuddled before getting home even. My sister, bless her loving heart, and I ate lunch with the folks, and agreed to do their shopping for them. Usually Dad goes in with us following us around like a pup, while we get their items, then he pays the bill. Wednesday we pulled in to the first store, Dad hands me their list....and sits there. No problem. I can do this, pay for it, etc. I get out. Mom asks him if he's giving us $$$ to pay for the stuff. His response was..." I bought them lunch!" 
He thought we were getting things for ourselves....completely forgetting it was their items.'s okay. we do....and then we cry sometimes too. 
Like this morning. I just let it go. In fact, it might be one of those weepy kind of days, where tears just fall because they need to. 
Gonna be fun in the flower shop huh?
The other morning when I felt emotions beginning to run rampant I made a decision. This will be C.A. Y. G. month. 
You know what that means don't you?
Cry As You Go. 
In some corporate worlds it literally means, clean as you go..
but I've adjusted it to fit my needs. 
I know we are not loosing our daughter after this wedding. We are gaining a son. But we are loosing the way "things used to be". We will be having a 'new normal.' 
It just takes the heart a bit to adjust to it at times.
Not unlike the adjustments my folks have been making for over 3 years on the cancer journey. All of us who love them dearly have been making it too. Things aren't like they used to be.

I'm a good 'stuffer'. Meaning I can put off ( stuff) emotions, usually sad ones, until I can or want to deal with them. Sometimes that's necessary. but...not to the point where you never deal with them. 
Hence my CAYG month. I don't not want to be wailing during my daughters wedding because I have stuffed all the stresses wedding planning and life have thrown at me. My theory is if I deal emotionally with those stressors as they come, I'll only shed the few accepted 'mom of the bride' tears, vrs the hailstorm. 

Last nights seminar was by Dr. Alan Wofelt. He's written many books re: grief and dealing with it. We use those with our grief groups. He is good. He validates our need to mourn. Whether it's  a daughter's wedding, divorce, pet loss, job loss, people loss, etc. All those bring about a change in our life. Bring about a change in our relationship with that individual. Change our life.
It's okay. Life is meant to be lived, changes and all. But don't be afraid to acknowledge those changes. You will one way or another, healthily or not. I'm not saying it's gonna be easy and not hurt. Just the opposite. You (meaning me) will feel pain as you (me) acknowledge the losses, changes. I ( you) cannot effectively live the glorious life God has blessed me with until I acknowledge that pain, and deal with it.
My son has a degree in chemistry. He was just entering the work force when the economy fell. He's had non-chemistry jobs since then, but has been out of work since last fall. Recently had a big interview, we had hopes. It was looking good, was in his field, etc. 
But....seems he didn't get it. My stomach fell, I felt nauseous when he told me over the phone. I got in the shower and sobbed. I have tears falling now. This is my son. He has so much to offer, he's intelligent. This is not how I dreamed his life would be happening. Not his idea either. Sometimes I cannot even think about it, because I am helpless. But.... I gotta deal with it. CAYG month. 
Bless my hubby's heart. He acknowledged last night "I haven't dealt with Mike's death well yet." He's right. He hasn't. This loved and cherished friend died in 2004.  We still miss him. We always will. We loved that man. He was a good man, he gave much to our lives and many others. To mourn him is honoring his life. It hurts, you betcha, but how blessed to have loved enough to miss him. We still have "grief bursts." I do regarding most of the people I've loved and lost, no matter how many years they've been enjoying heaven. I loved those people, now they are gone. It has changed my life. I am different because of that. Not bad, just different. 

See, I have lots of issues....just like you. 
I also have a big God. He didn't promise me easy, pain-free, just to be there. Honestly I can say, He hasn't moved away. Sometimes I do, but He's faithful. Hanging on isn't always easy, but worth it. 

If you're still reading...kudos to you. I will be brave and publish my hearts cry for the world. Not for sympathy, but to give you hope, healing, healthy living. We deserve it.


  1. Thanks for sharing. This was very meaningful. I miss Dad/Mike too. He was a great man and I am so grateful I got to learn a few things from him during the brief few years that I knew him.

  2. *I* needed this today. Thanks for posting it. And big ((((HUGS)))) to you, mama! You are in my prayers!

  3. oh my momma,

    amen. amen, amen, amen!
    thank you for being brave enough to be honest, & honestly living out

    "I also have a big God. He didn't promise me easy, pain-free, just to be there. Honestly I can say, He hasn't moved away. Sometimes I do, but He's faithful. Hanging on isn't always easy, but worth it."

    you never promised me anything would be easy, life, marriage, maybe no bake cookies **grin** but you always told me (& showed me) the work was worth it.
    thanks, momma.
    in my heart, this wedding is missing people.
    some of my cry as you go days are for them & some of my tears are happy ones.

    much, much love to you, momma, more than my luggage. **grin**

  4. katerina-bride,
    years ago there was a song that made the Christian circuit. "tears are a language God understands."
    sounds hokey, but comforting as well.

    I'm thankful you have happy tears too. That's what we'll call my mom of the bride ones on Party Day, b/c that's what they shall be.
    give RMG a hug from his favorite mom-in-love-to-be.

  5. So, I'm just catching up on all your blogging the past several weeks. I appreciate this blog, Janet, 'cause I'm having a hard time this year with the impending anniversary of my son, Luke's, near-drowning accident. It's been 20 years. Wow. That's a lot of "water under the bridge" for it to still impact me this much. I've been kinda resisting grieving, 'cause I know I grieved it well the first several years, but I suppose there are different "rules" when the person you "lost" is still with you, but not at all the person they were or could have been. I suppose I must stop resisting and just give in to the pain, the regret, the hope deferred, and give the whole deal up once again to my savior, to my Jesus, whose love has sustained me through so much pain in my lifetime. Thanks for helping me see this. Cindy